away from who I'm not

Influence

2011-02-17T09:25:00.000-08:00

"You can never really live anyone else's life, not even your child's. The influence you exert is through your own life, and what you've become yourself." -Eleanor Roosevelt

True dis.

Transition

2010-04-19T20:31:00.000-07:00

There is always a loss in transition, moving from one season, place, relationship to another. There is a loss of what was. An incomplete transition stops there. The hope, however, in change, is that it is followed by a gain. Losses and gains, I find God constant. I'm transitioning from college life to life after college :). I've made so many mistakes this past year, sometimes they rush over me and His love appears smaller and more distant. In falling down, however, the reality is that His love is perfect and He restores each of us completely. And so I am being restored.

This song from the pen, guitar and heart of JJ Heller resonate His constancy:

Where I Land by JJ Heller

You’re different from the way I thought you’d be
But here you are in front of me
So full of light I watch it overflow
A lovely mystery

And I am lost for words
You’re more than I deserve

You have a way of stirring up my soul
Did you know
When you hold me in your arms the way you do
It feels like coming home

And I am lost for words
You’re more than I deserve
And when I cannot stand
You are where I land

And when the years have stolen youth away
I will stay
You will be the keeper of my heart
Until my final day

A shift in the course

2010-04-11T18:03:00.000-07:00

Here I am, freshly 22 years old, and I have just lost my first job. I applied to a faith-based rehabilitative home several weeks ago after meeting with the Lord in prayer and crying out for leadership. What settled in my heart was working in this group home in Roanoke. I worked it over in prayer and silence before Him, wondering if I was sensing His leading or making things up. I researched, called, interviewed, applied, visited and made plans to move down there to learn and serve the brokenhearted in a program built on structure and love working with young girls who have struggled with life-controlling problems. There I would begin this seedling vocation and grow. A new season, of fresh perspective, living with my dear friend Eleiah and sensing and therefore trying to embrace a release from this city and a call somewhere else.

This time a year ago, I said that I wanted to go deeper than I’d ever gone before, so much so that when I pulled away however it looked (leaving DC or just transitioning out of school here though it remain my home) it would hurt because the depths to which I had loved, hurt, learned, opened were real.

I went there, some by His leading which is blessed and sweet; and some by my own blindness and naivete, which is broken now and healing.

I let my heart sink deep into this calling, to work with these girls and be hands used by Him to tend to the hearts and minds of His loved ones. And yesterday, I believe in obedience to the Father, the director denied me the position at this time. My bundle I’d been carefully putting together ready to tie and take up for the next couple of years was suddenly untied and the sticks once close and formed meaningfully are now unraveled slowly.

I belong to Him, so I am not lost. I just have to find the way.

To the truth I’m clinging:

For God is not a God of disorder but of peace. 1 Cor.14:33

The king's heart is in the hand of the LORD;

he directs it like a watercourse wherever he pleases. Proverbs 21:1

There You Are by Carolyn Arends

I was hoping you would write to me a message in the stars

As if the stars themselves were not enough

And I awaited your arrival here from some place very far

As if I couldn't feel your constant touch

Why did I think that you'd send thunder

To wake me from my slumber

When anytime I open up my eyes

There you are - loving me like crazy

There you are - though I am unaware

There you are - when my heart is doubting

Even there you are

I was waiting for a miracle and hoping for a sign

As if each breath I take is not a gift

And I was acting just as if the way you gave your life for mine

Didn't have my foolish heart convinced

What did I think could cause this hunger

Did I ever stop to wonder

Why every time I open my eyes

I was hoping you would write to me a message in the stars

As if the stars themselves were not enough

Christmas

2009-12-24T18:40:00.000-08:00

Merry Christmas :).

A summer and semester have past, and at the end I have learned alot and yet feel more like a child than I did 6 months ago. I am standing in my 21st year and pressing on, getting ready to embrace changes to come, hopefully as simply and faithfully as Mary did at the end of her conversation with Gabriel, left with the Hope of the world growing inside her and the world around her she would face in the years to come, even to the point of rejecting her own Son.

For this year, I want to say with everything I am:

"I am the Lord's servant...May it be to me as you have said." Luke 1.38

These songs have been on mind as well:

Here with us by Joy Williams

It's still a mystery to me
That the hands of God could be so small,
How tiny fingers reaching in the night
Were the very hands that measured the sky

Chorus
Hallelujah, hallelujah
Heaven's love reaching down to save the world
Hallelujah, hallelujah
Son of God, Servant King,
You're here with us
You're here with us

Verse 2
It's still a mystery to me, oh,
How His infant eyes have seen the dawn of time
How His ears have heard an angel's symphony,
But still Mary had to rock her Savior to sleep

Chorus
Hallelujah, hallelujah
Heaven's love reaching down to save the world
Hallelujah, hallelujah
Son of God, Servant King
Here with us
You're here with us
(Ohh, mmm, here with us)

Jesus the Christ, born in Bethlehem
A baby born to save, to save the souls of man

and Breath of Heaven (Mary's Song) by Amy Grant & Chris Eaton

I have traveled many moonless nights,
Cold and weary with a babe inside,
And I wonder what I've done.
Holy father you have come,
And chosen me now to carry your son.

I am waiting in a silent prayer.
I am frightened by the load I bear.
In a world as cold as stone,
Must I walk this path alone?
Be with me now.
Be with me now.

Breath of heaven,
Hold me together,
Be forever near me,
Breath of heaven.
Breath of heaven,
Lighten my darkness,
Pour over me your holiness,
For you are holy.
Breath of heaven.

Do you wonder as you watch my face,
If a wiser one should have had my place,
But I offer all I am
For the mercy of your plan.
Help me be strong.
Help me be.
Help me.

Breath of heaven,
Hold me together,
Be forever near me,
Breath of heaven.
Breath of heaven,
Lighten my darkness,
Pour over me your holiness,
For you are holy.

Breath of heaven,
Hold me together,
Be forever near me,
Breath of heaven.
Breath of heaven,
Lighten my darkness,
Pour over me your holiness,
For you are holy.
Breath of heaven.
Breath of heaven.
Breath of heaven

Knoxville Anew

2009-06-11T14:00:00.000-07:00

I'm traveling home to the Knoxville, TN area this weekend for the first time in six months, and I tell you, I'm actually quite elated. Looking forward to spending time with my Mom and old buds, celebrating my dear friend's birthday and exploring this city again. Growing up near Knoxville (in Strawberry Plains), I didn't absorb much of the city, mostly keeping to my home, school, church and the in-between places. I'm excited about going home and opening my eyes to see what this city has to offer. What did I miss? What's new?

Exciting historical tidbit:

Knoxville used to be known as the "Underwear Capital of the World" in the 1930s because of the unusual number of textile factories located in the city. Heck yes.

Also, it was named by Forbes Magazine one of the top 10 metropolitan hot spots in the US in April of 2008.

It's also been rated 17th among the "20 Most Rock & Roll towns in the U.S" by Blender in May 2003.

This City: Washington, DC

2009-05-21T19:18:00.001-07:00

A year from now I want to have gone so deep that it hurts to shift and transition into years beyond college. My desire is to follow Jesus, and in this heart also is a little girl's request to stay here, to keep growing up and growing ever entangled in a beautiful, imperfect community. Here, this city. Something happened here, and I endeavor never to forget it, but instead to live my life ever in the context of the mysterious, beautiful work that God has wrought in my once icy, isolated heart. Deuteronomy 4:9 informs me that this would be wise :).

This city.

I love being here so deeply. Jeremiah 29:7 reports "seek the peace and prosperity of the city to which I have carried you."

The Fray's "It's For You" offers an echo of how much I want to lay down my life for Him in this city for now, and wherever forever.

when the winds come and they blow

when the rains turn to sleet and snow

when the waters rage at the sea

bitter cold but you warm me

it’s for you I walk through a storm

it’s for you I lay me down

there is nothing that I wouldn’t do for you

when you call I’ll be right there

i’ll turn my world right around for you

don’t you see, don’t you see I’m here

only for you I walk through a storm

only for you I lay me down

http://www.imeem.com/people/jqjlM7G/music/Oj6KCa4U/the-fray-its-for-you/

Tonight is fiery inside me, as I have a few more minutes, as long as He'll give me to influence this city for Him.

This piece from Comment's March 2009, 25-29, issue offers words for the passion:

"'Common grace' is a love note slipped under the door of an unexpecting world. Its beauty, serendipity and profligate generosity bear witness to God's deepest character and affirm His loving heart toward all He has made (Psalm 8, 19, 145). In doing so, common grace constructs signposts pointing even the most prodigal homeward (Acts 14:15, Acts 17:23). To labour in the public square for the public good is to join God in this work, true children of the One who ' causes his sun to rise on the evil and the good.' (Mt. 5:45)"

...Whether against traffic violations or human trafficking, we labour to bring goodness to others.

...Our role is to pray and act that God's justice and mercy will be reflected, however feebly, within our realm of influence. this is the Kingdom of God breaking forth- already, and not yet. The completion of the work is in God's hands. Our responsibility is simply this: to advance the causes we have been given in ways that consistently reflect the goodness, justice and mercy of God. This is success, whatever else transpires..."

...If we are to exercise influence wisely, we must tenaciously grip enduring principles, while contunially refining their particular application...

Influencing wisely means holding on to enduring principles, while always applying them with sensitivity."

I want to leverage everything I have to bring His truth to the people I get to touch and walk with in this city.

Adding to my faith

2009-03-27T06:14:00.000-07:00

In college, the activists taught me that to think correctly is not enough. And, honestly, to think correctly but not live actively working to correct what is unwell in the world, I wonder if that is really thinking correctly at all. Faith in Jesus has informed me on how things truly are: that people are loved and valued and known by Him, perfectly; that what is unwell with the world and with us is explained by our sin; that He lived life perfectly then gave it away in exchange for us; and that believing in Him unlocks us from the power of sin and brings us closer to Him and to being with Him in Heaven forever.

So, this is my life. And I have to live like I'm free.

I'm in the ancient words of the Apostle Peter in 2 Peter 1:5-9 today after a friend, Eleiah, brought them up last night in our community:

"For this very reason, make every effort to add to your faith goodness and to goodness, knowledge and to knowledge, self-control; and to self-control, perseverance; and to perseverance, godliness; and to godliness, brotherly kindness and to brotherly kindness, love. For if you possess these qualities in increasing measure, they will keep you from being ineffective and unproductive in your knowledge of our Lord Jesus Christ. But if anyone does not have them, he is nearsighted and blind, and has forgotten that he has been cleansed from his past sins."

Adding to my faith, adding to my faith.

There must be integrity between who we say we are and how we live.

Chronicling

2009-03-18T07:54:00.000-07:00

I've just finished a brief survey of the Old Testament book 2 Chronicles today. I started reading it while I was in Israel last May, when I was moved by how intricately the Jews went about preparing the temple for God. They knew Him, and they could not take Him lightly. When I read the first 7 chapters describing the preparation, construction and dedication of the temple, I was reminded of the New Testament truth that our bodies are a temple for the Holy Spirit, that temple is a very specific word in the Bible.

This coincides with where we in my and Kelsey's small group have been reading in Ecclesiastes 5:7..... "...Therefore stand in awe of God."

My body is His as the temple was His. How much I must never forget to take God at His word, seriously, deeply. He is the Creator of all things, the writer of my story, the keeper of names, the lover of all humanity, the one who knows when the goat gives birth and when a world leader rises up. He knows me perfectly. He knows every slave perfectly. This is God, and I cannot deny Him. In every king's story, 2 Chronicles records a specific time that shows the way each king oriented himself. It often says "he did evil in the eyes of the Lord" or "he did what was right in eyes of the Lord" and details his action or inaction regarding the idol worship that Israel had embraced.

What is important is how I orient myself, toward Him or away from Him. I have lesson after lesson in this book of how to do it wrong and a few on how to do it right.

In wrapping up, I think one of my favorites is the story of Manasseh in 2 Chronicles, who begins with his orienting phrase in 33:2-3 “ but he did evil in the sight of the Lord, according to the abominations of the nations whom the Lord had cast out before the children of Israel. For he REBUILT the high places which Hezekiah his father had broken down he raised up altars for the Baals and made wooden images and he worshiped all the host of heaven and served them.”

But the sweet part is that later on he humbles himself and the Lord gives him room to turn his life around to serve Him. Even when his entire reign was characterized by antagonizing God, He still had a place in the heart of God to turn and go forward, doing what was right in the eyes of the Lord.

Ooh, and one last thought. "The eyes of the Lord" is such an interesting phrase. I think there, being in the gaze of the Lord, is the only place I have truly been able to see and accept reality.

Freedom

2009-02-10T07:46:00.000-08:00

I will keep your law continually,
forever and ever,
and I shall walk in a wide place,
for I have sought your precepts.

Psalm 119:44-45 (ESV)

What is this wide place? Rahab is the Hebrew word here for wide and it can imply plenty of living space so as to be agreeable, pleasant and freeing. Often this word is used for psychological reality and not just the literal, concrete meaning.

The word of God. True freedom. ( from a friend's uncle's blog)

Only when we accept the reality of life, the way things are, that we are sinners and He offers perfect grace, can we really live as we were meant to live.

Risk of Liberty

2009-01-31T19:18:00.000-08:00

Katie Herzig's "Jenny Lynn"

All the ones your city crumbles like Babylon
Leaving the gardens you've been hangin' on
Disappear before your eyes
Take your time, let the words sink in before you say your mind
Heaven knows we all get lost sometimes
You will find your way back
Wounded, you let your guard down and feel stupid
You wish you never would have trusted
Your heart in someone else's hands
But it's all ok
I think you may have made the best mistake
I think we're made to give ourselves away
Cause there's no other way to live
Jenny Lynn, I wish that I had your thin skin
I wish that I could let the love right in
Maybe I'd rather feel the pain
Cause freedom is a naked heart that always dares to give
A willingness to let the tenderness be taken as it may

How can this be done and a heart keep going?

I've Been to the Mountaintop

2009-01-21T17:58:00.000-08:00

I was blessed to attend the inauguration of Barack Obama yesterday as the United States' 44th president, and afterward I read through Martin Luther King Jr.'s speech "I've Been to the Mountaintop" that he gave on April 4, 1968. An excerpt is here:

"As you know, if I were standing at the beginning of time, with the possibility of general and panoramic view of the whole human history up to now, and the Almighty said to me, "Martin Luther King, which age would you like to live in?" — I would take my mental flight by Egypt through, or rather across the Red Sea, through the wilderness on toward the promised land. And in spite of its magnificence, I wouldn't stop there. I would move on by Greece, and take my mind to Mount Olympus. And I would see Plato, Aristotle, Socrates, Euripides and Aristophanes assembled around the Parthenon as they discussed the great and eternal issues of reality.

But I wouldn't stop there. I would go on, even to the great heyday of the Roman Empire. And I would see developments around there, through various emperors and leaders. But I wouldn't stop there. I would even come up to the day of the Renaissance, and get a quick picture of all that the Renaissance did for the cultural and esthetic life of man. But I wouldn't stop there. I would even go by the way that the man for whom I'm named had his habitat. And I would watch Martin Luther as he tacked his ninety-five theses on the door at the church in Wittenberg.

But I wouldn't stop there. I would come on up even to 1863, and watch a vacillating president by the name of Abraham Lincoln finally come to the conclusion that he had to sign the Emancipation Proclamation. But I wouldn't stop there. I would even come up to the early thirties, and see a man grappling with the problems of the bankruptcy of his nation. And come with an eloquent cry that we have nothing to fear but fear itself.

But I wouldn't stop there. Strangely enough, I would turn to the Almighty, and say, "If you allow me to live just a few years in the second half of the twentieth century, I will be happy." Now that's a strange statement to make, because the world is all messed up. The nation is sick. Trouble is in the land. Confusion all around. That's a strange statement. But I know, somehow, that only when it is dark enough, can you see the stars. And I see God working in this period of the twentieth century in a away that men, in some strange way, are responding — something is happening in our world. The masses of people are rising up. And wherever they are assembled today, whether they are in Johannesburg, South Africa; Nairobi, Kenya; Accra, Ghana; New York City; Atlanta, Georgia; Jackson, Mississippi; or Memphis, Tennessee — the cry is always the same — 'We want to be free.'"

With this I must identify. I must live accepting my responsibility as a human being guilty of sin and loved and forgiven by God, and interdependent on my fellow human beings. This is what I endeavor to do, to take on life as with full embrace of reality: the depravity of humanity and the perfect grace of God. I suppose the mountaintop is truth, really understanding who I am, what place I have in this world and more about the God I serve and the people He loves, all people. I'm climbing :).

Continuing

2009-01-03T19:35:00.000-08:00

Henri j. m. Nouwen wrote the book The Road to Daybreak, and I am learning so much from him. He works in L'Arche, which is a network of places all over the world that serve the mentally ill through strong family-style community care deeply rooted in faith. The following words stuck with me:

"I feel like praying tonight that my life might become simple enough for me to be able to say 'yes' when Jesus looks at me with love and invites me to leave everything behind and follow him. Missing that moment would not only sadden Jesus and me but would, in a way , also be a refusal to take my true place in God's work of salvation." p.16

Me too.

Lingering

2008-12-18T19:42:00.000-08:00

Luke 2:41-43 "His parents went to Jerusalem every year at the Feast of the Passover. And when He was twelve years old, they went up to Jerusalem according to the custom of the feast. When they had finished the days, as they returned, the Boy Jesus lingered behind in Jerusalem."

I love that Jesus lingered.

Dreams

2008-12-18T19:41:00.000-08:00

I recently found out about the Wycliffe Bible Translators Organization ( http://www.wycliffe.org/ ), and I'm excited to learn more about what they do. I have a secret dream that all moneys currently put into new versions of English translations of the Bible would be re-routed to support translations of the Bible into unreached people groups' languages. I also finished reading Brother Andrew's book, This Road, which offers a chronology of his life beginning in Holland and through his trips bringing Bibles and encouragement to the persecuted church in now mostly formerly Communist countries. It was so enriching and struck me that it might be better to translate and publish more Bibles in more languages rather than continuing to invent new English versions. Only a thought.

Changing Perspective on Firedancing & Soil

2008-12-16T08:13:00.000-08:00

National Geographic Magazine's September 2008 issue brought me new depth in perspective on the world in both hilarious and troubling ways. Hilarious first: I found this magnificent article about the cholitas, Bolivian indigenous women who fight dressed "to the nines" in artistic, dramatic fashion in El Alto, Bolivia. The crowds go wild for their favorites, one of them being Juanita the Loving One, another Amorous Yolanda. What a dream. I recently found this website for training in Spanish and any of the the following activities: Yoga, firedancing, surfing etc. in Costa Rica. Secret dream: to combine both and firedance/wrestle/translate for a summer or two....

://ngm.nationalgeographic.com/2008/09/wrestlers/guillermoprieto-text

The other article, Our Good Earth, was on the rapid degradation and erosion of soil in the world.

Geographers talked about using ancient techniques like lines of stones and charcoal to stop erosion and

enrich the soil. But a nation who is unable to care for its soil and therefore food supply in a sustainable

way has little hope of a future stable, supple economy as it will increasingly become dependent on imports

for the staple foods. Haiti is an example of this. :(. I would really like to learn more about how the things

that I consume affect the soil and adjust myself accordingly to be a better steward of that.

Speaking Human

2008-12-14T18:47:00.000-08:00

Reading Winter Soldier Iraq and Afghanistan: Eyewitness Accounts of the Occupations by Iraq Veterans Against the Way and Aaron Glantz.

"I can't speak Arabic, but I can speak human" expressed a soldier who raided the home and took captive innocent sons of an Iraqi woman in response to her pleas in Arabic. p. 56

Knowing one's self

2008-12-14T18:29:00.000-08:00

This song strikes me in remembering that to know where I'm going, we're going, answer these questions, know where our loyalty is and to whom we're committed is to be really living, really facing and embracing reality.

OneRepublic - Say (All I Need)

Do you know where your heart is?

Do you think you can find it?

Or did you trade it for something

Somewhere better just to have it?

Do you know where your love is?

Do you think that you lost it?

You felt it so strong, but

Nothing's turned out how you wanted

Well, bless my soul

You're a lonely soul

Cause you won't let go

Of anything you hold

Well, all I need

Is the air I breathe

And a place to rest

My head

Do you know what your fate is?

And are you trying to shake it?

You're doing your best and

Your best look

You're praying that you make it

Well, bless my soul

You're a lonely soul

Cause you won't let go

Of anything you hold

Well, all I need

Is the air I breathe

And a place to rest

My head

I said I all I need

Is the air I breathe

And a place to rest

My head

Do you think you can find it?

Better than you had it

Do you think you can find it?

Yeah, better than you had it (Better than you had it)

I said I all I need

Is the air I breathe

And a place to rest

My head

I said I all I need

Is the air I breathe

And a place to rest

My head

Whenever the end is

Do you think you can see it?

Well, until you get there

Go on, go ahead and scream it

Just say it

Loyalty and Commitment

2008-12-14T18:21:00.000-08:00

I've been reading through 2 Chronicles, and one of the strongest things that I won't let go of is the how each king's reign's success is determined by where he commits himself, to whom or what he is loyal. Kings are described in terms of their wholeheartedness, whether they are or are not to the Lord. I want to be wholehearted, loyal, committed. I want to be a woman who leaves no doubt among those she touches, to whom she is dedicated. To God, to her friends and family, to humanity, to stewarding beauty, nature and resources well.

Rob Thomas's Ever the Same and Nickelback's Never Gonna Be Alone reflect my ache for this loyalty, although they are in the context of romance, in which I am only with Jesus so far.

We were drawn from the weeds

We were brave like soldiers

Falling down under the pale moonlight

You were holding to me

Like a someone broken

And I couldn't tell you but I'm telling you now

Just let me hold you while you're falling apart

Just let me hold you and we'll both fall down

Fall on me

Tell me everything you want me to be

Forever with you forever in me

Ever the same

We would stand in the wind

We were free like water

Flowing down

Under the warmth of the sun

Now it's cold and we're scared

And we've both been shaken

Hey, look at us

Man, this doesn't need to be the end

Just let me hold you while you're falling apart

Just let me hold you and we'll both fall down

Fall on me tell me everything you want me to be

Forever with you

Forever in me

Ever the same

Call on me

I'll be there for you and you'll be there for me

Forever it's you

Forever in me

Ever the same

You may need me there

To carry all your weight

But you're no burden I assure

You tide me over

With a warmth I'll not forget

But I can only give you love

Fall on me tell me everything you want me to be

Forever with you

Forever in me

Ever the same

Call on me

I'll be there for you and you'll be there for me

Forever it's you

Forever in me

Ever the same

Nickelback Never Gonna Be Alone

Time, is going by, so much faster than I,

And I'm starting to regret not spending all of it with you.

Now I'm, wondering why, I've kept this bottled inside,

So I'm starting to regret not selling all of it to you.

So if I haven't yet, I've gotta let you know...

(Chorus)

Your never gonna be alone!

From this moment on, if you ever feel like letting go,

I won't let you fall...

Your never gonna be alone!

I'll hold you 'til the hurt is gone.

(Verse 2)

And now, as long as I can, I'm holding on with both hands,

'Cuz forever I believe that there's nothing I could need but you,

So if I haven't yet, I've gotta let you know...

(Chorus)

Your never gonna be alone!

From this moment on, if you ever feel like letting go,

I won't let you fall.

When all hope is gone, I know that you can carry on.

We're gonna see the world out,

I'll hold you 'til the hurt is gone.

(Verse 3)

Ooooh!

You've gotta live every single day,

Like it's the only one, what if tomorrow never comes?

Don't let it slip away,

Could be our only one, you know it's only just begun.

Every single day,

May be our only one, what if tomorrow never comes?

Tomorrow never comes...

(Verse 4)

Time, is going by, so much faster than I,

And I'm starting to regret not telling all of this to you.

(Chorus)

Your never gonna be alone!

From this moment on, if you ever feel like letting go,

I won't let you fall.

When all hope is gone, I know that you can carry on.

We're gonna see the world out,

I'll hold you 'til the hurt is gone.

I'm gonna be there always,

I won't be missing one more day,

I'm gonna be there always,

I won't be missing one more day.

Impacted by Music

2008-12-14T18:18:00.000-08:00

Certain songs have meant so much to me over the last semester. I know they are connected to what I am learning from God, my friends, family, strangers, nature, all of it in this journey right now. I don’t want to forget. One such song is The Fray’s You Found Me. My roommates unofficially banned me from playing it over and over…so I got my headphones J. Parts of the song hit me deeply, and I just couldn’t get enough.

The Fray - You Found Me

 I found God 

On the corner of first and Amistad 

Where the West was all but won 

All alone, smoking his last cigarette

 I said where you been,

He said ask anything 

Where were you? 

When everything was falling apart 

All my days were spent by the telephone

 It never rang 

And all I needed was a call 

That never came 

To the corner of first and Amistad

Lost and insecure 

You found me, you found me

 Lying on the floor 

Surrounded, surrounded 

Why’d you have to wait? 

Where were you? Where were you? 

Just a little late

 You found me, you found me

In the end everyone ends up alone

 Losing her, the only one who’s ever known

Who I am, who I’m not, who I want to be

 No way to know how long she will be next to me

Lost and insecure

 You found me, you found me 

Lying on the floor 

Surrounded, surrounded 

Why’d you have to wait? 

Where were you, where were you? 

Just a little late 

You found me, you found me

Early morning, City breaks 

I’ve been calling for years and years and years and years 

And you never left me no messages

You never send me no letters

You got some kind of nerve, taking all I want

Lost and insecure

 You found me, you found me

 Lying on the floor

Where were you where were you

Lost and insecure 

You found me, you found me

 Lying on the floor 

Surrounded, surrounded 

Why’d you have to wait? 

Where were you, where were you?

Just a little late 

You found me, you found me

Why’d you have to wait? 

To find me, to find me.

Realizing and Changing

2008-12-14T18:17:00.001-08:00

The Road Not Taken by Robert Frost

Two roads diverged in a yellow wood,

And sorry I could not travel both

And be one traveler, long Is tood

And looked down one as far as I could

To where it bent in the underfrowth;

Then took the other, as just as fair,

And having perhaps the better claim,

Because it was grassy and wanted wear;

Though as for that the passing there

Had worn them really about the same,

And both that morning equally lay

In leaves no step had trodden black. Oh, I kept the first for another day!

Yet knowing how way leads on to way,

I doubted if I should ever come back.

I shall be telling this with a sigh

Somewhere ages and ages hence:

Two roads diverged in a wood, and I—

I took the one less traveled by,

And that has made all the difference.

This poem touches me in realizing that I was wrong about a lot of things in my view of relationships and myself before I lost a few of the closest people in my life to the changing contexts of our lives over the last year. Thank God the road is not finished yet.

Entanglement

2008-12-14T18:12:00.000-08:00

Back to the article “Making Friends for Life.” Comment, Sept. 2006, 34-39:

“I think we ought to think about getting tangled up.”

“The streamlined life is not worth living. Community and friendship are things to get tangled up in. They aren’t easy or efficient. But they give meaning to our lives. What does a tangled life look like? It has all the components of connecting belief and behavior that I described at the beginning. It starts by understanding the relationship of loving to knowing. We get close to both ideas and others. The thorns of intimacy bring to light our brokenness and we learn to be humble. But we come to embrace our callings.”

This too links back to a previous thought, one given me from The Shack, written by William P. Young, when the character representing the Holy Spirit gardens in the back yard with Mack. The character shares that the fractal, the messy tangles of the garden are not what needs to be cleaned up, but what is beautiful to God. The mess, the tangles, the wild jungle is the beautiful aim. Perhaps the goal of God’s sanctifying us is not a perfectly manicured, golf course-like lawn but a wild jungle, a tangle of flowers and leaves and fuzzy stumps. If God is not aiming for me to look like a tight, measured, manicured individual, why am I?

“For me college was marked by the experience of dissolving relationships, by family’s scattering about the globe, and by home-packing-up and relocating hundreds of miles away. I have rarely returned to a place. Everything seems different where I used to belong. I am a stranger. But that reality is not just in the past, it is with me in the present. And this tangled life makes me remember that a heart can hurt. But it has also given me courage to take risks, to know that the way of real redemption means taking off an old self, and being made anew. The solution cannot be to turn life into an abstraction. As we tell our stories in community, we see our entanglement, and our vulnerabilities become connections with who we are, together.”

back to the article:

“But college was also a time of deep and intimate conversations that formed friendships that will last a lifetime. Having risked entanglement, I have found others that allow me to know them and I found a place where I could be known. I continue to discuss the big ideas with friends, and often just rambling about the everydayness of life. Friendship shows us that it is possible to know and be known, to love and be loved. As friends share in your joys, you can share in theirs…You almost never get back what you invest in a friendship but what is gained is different, mysterious, and always greater than you could have thought.

Friendship means rejecting being streamlined.”

From Veltman, Greg. “Making Friends for Life.” Comment, Sept. 2006, 34-39

Streamlining

2008-12-14T18:10:00.000-08:00

I’m connecting with excerpts rom Greg Veltman’s “Making Friends for Life.” Comment, Sept. 2006, 34-39:

“I learned if I wanted to have a life of integrity and real knowing, that I would have to struggle to see how things connect. Seeing Steven Garber as a mentor and model of connecting knowing and loving was of vital importance for my college years. “

“In his book, The Fabric of Faithfulness, he lays out three things that can help college students find these connections. To oversimplify, they are: 1. A worldview that is able to explain adequately human existence nd human action in the world, 2. A mentor or teacher who is an example of living the tensions of the story—teaching how to order priorities and contextualizing ‘information’- with conviction, a dedicated knower, who teaches the meaning of ‘to know’, and 3. A community, a modeled in the setting of hiher education, and reinforced by communities following the college years. A community is a common context of living where one is challenged to live responsibly, being refined and sharpened in relationship with others as one embodies the knowledge and ideas of one’s worldview. I have since been in pursuit and blessed to have a life full of these things. “

“The streamlined life is not worth living. Community and Friendship are things to get tangled up in. They aren’t easy or efficient. But they give meaning to our lives.””

“ In her book My Freshman Year (Cornell University Press, 2005), Rebekah Nathan recounts her research project, living in a residence hall on her campus and seeing the world of student life from the inside (she was previously a faculty member in anthropology). …Their highest goal, it seems, is to have ‘ the perfect schedule.’ The students she observed were looking to get in, get a diploma, and get out—the fewer distractions, the better. They were not about to let classes and deep relationships get in the way of their pursuit of a better life as college graduates. These students suffer from what Michael Flynn’s band Slow Runner calls being ‘Streamlined.’”

‘Now loneliness is so refined

It’s streamlined

I slip through doors, I pass the time

Streamlined

I want to be

Weighted down

Tangled up

In the thorns of love

But this year I

Ended up

Streamlined

All extra weight

I’ve left behind

Between the rain

Beneath the signs

I want to be

Tangled up

Weighted down

Lost and found

Cause these days I

Just walk around

Streamlined.'

--Slow Runner, “Streamlined”

“Today’s students live in a culture that tells them to be streamlined. It is less painful, and it will get you where you want to go most efficiently….Being streamlined is the process of being bumbed to the world’s crying and laughter. It is to retreat into oneself. Our fear of intimacy allows us to take the path of least resistance. Streamlined.”

From Veltman, Greg. “Making Friends for Life.” Comment, Sept. 2006, 34-39

This description is so deeply ironic to me. Just last week I began to picture myself in terms of smoothed edges or uniquely grooved edges. If I’m truly unique as God continues to emphasize throughout Scripture, nature and my personal experience, then to live as though I can adapt to anything, without preference, needs, fears, passions, un-replicated connections, is incorrect, a fallacy in the face of the reality of who I am: ridged with grooves of Spanish, big hips, the color green, psychology, passion for prayer, facilitating mending broken minds, Hawthorne and Dickens, recycling, Plumb and more. I am not streamlined. I feel like I just caught up with reality. I’m a little out of breath, realizing how much I’ve wasted and missed trying to disconnect myself from my friends and my family in order to get ahead. Who’s racing, H? Who told you that you were in a hurry?

Openness

2008-12-10T05:56:00.000-08:00

To tell me that I am not open, as many have, is to strike at a core part of who I am. Perhaps I'm subtly that at the end of many conversations, someone could conclude this. But the statementis like a punch. I already know friend, stranger, loved one. I've already begun the climb out and I don't know how to tell you what you've gotten from me has been huge, a treasure really. You found out I really like canvas tote bags, want to get a tattoo when I'm 21, really love speaking Spanish and am enchanted by Semitic languages as well. I handed you my thoughts on leveraging our English Bible translation & church-building energies for use in unreached people groups' language translation and developing a church that is less about the building and very much more about the people. Stay with me, it's coming. I suppose I need more grace from people than I thought I did. I often imagined myself as incredibly easy to get along with. No despair here, just hope that He has not yet finished with me.