Influence

"You can never really live anyone else's life, not even your child's. The influence you exert is through your own life, and what you've become yourself." -Eleanor Roosevelt

True dis.

Transition

There is always a loss in transition, moving from one season, place, relationship to another. There is a loss of what was. An incomplete transition stops there. The hope, however, in change, is that it is followed by a gain. Losses and gains, I find God constant. I'm transitioning from college life to life after college :). I've made so many mistakes this past year, sometimes they rush over me and His love appears smaller and more distant. In falling down, however, the reality is that His love is perfect and He restores each of us completely. And so I am being restored.

This song from the pen, guitar and heart of JJ Heller resonate His constancy:

Where I Land by JJ Heller

You’re different from the way I thought you’d be
But here you are in front of me
So full of light I watch it overflow
A lovely mystery

And I am lost for words
You’re more than I deserve

You have a way of stirring up my soul
Did you know
When you hold me in your arms the way you do
It feels like coming home

And I am lost for words
You’re more than I deserve
And when I cannot stand
You are where I land

And when the years have stolen youth away
I will stay
You will be the keeper of my heart
Until my final day

A shift in the course

Here I am, freshly 22 years old, and I have just lost my first job. I applied to a faith-based rehabilitative home several weeks ago after meeting with the Lord in prayer and crying out for leadership. What settled in my heart was working in this group home in Roanoke. I worked it over in prayer and silence before Him, wondering if I was sensing His leading or making things up. I researched, called, interviewed, applied, visited and made plans to move down there to learn and serve the brokenhearted in a program built on structure and love working with young girls who have struggled with life-controlling problems. There I would begin this seedling vocation and grow. A new season, of fresh perspective, living with my dear friend Eleiah and sensing and therefore trying to embrace a release from this city and a call somewhere else.

This time a year ago, I said that I wanted to go deeper than I’d ever gone before, so much so that when I pulled away however it looked (leaving DC or just transitioning out of school here though it remain my home) it would hurt because the depths to which I had loved, hurt, learned, opened were real.

I went there, some by His leading which is blessed and sweet; and some by my own blindness and naivete, which is broken now and healing.

I let my heart sink deep into this calling, to work with these girls and be hands used by Him to tend to the hearts and minds of His loved ones. And yesterday, I believe in obedience to the Father, the director denied me the position at this time. My bundle I’d been carefully putting together ready to tie and take up for the next couple of years was suddenly untied and the sticks once close and formed meaningfully are now unraveled slowly.

I belong to Him, so I am not lost. I just have to find the way.

To the truth I’m clinging:

For God is not a God of disorder but of peace. 1 Cor.14:33

The king's heart is in the hand of the LORD;

he directs it like a watercourse wherever he pleases. Proverbs 21:1

There You Are by Carolyn Arends

I was hoping you would write to me a message in the stars

As if the stars themselves were not enough

And I awaited your arrival here from some place very far

As if I couldn't feel your constant touch

Why did I think that you'd send thunder

To wake me from my slumber

When anytime I open up my eyes

There you are - loving me like crazy

There you are - though I am unaware

There you are - when my heart is doubting

Even there you are

I was waiting for a miracle and hoping for a sign

As if each breath I take is not a gift

And I was acting just as if the way you gave your life for mine

Didn't have my foolish heart convinced

What did I think could cause this hunger

Did I ever stop to wonder

Why every time I open my eyes

I was hoping you would write to me a message in the stars

As if the stars themselves were not enough

Christmas

Merry Christmas :).

A summer and semester have past, and at the end I have learned alot and yet feel more like a child than I did 6 months ago. I am standing in my 21st year and pressing on, getting ready to embrace changes to come, hopefully as simply and faithfully as Mary did at the end of her conversation with Gabriel, left with the Hope of the world growing inside her and the world around her she would face in the years to come, even to the point of rejecting her own Son.

For this year, I want to say with everything I am:

"I am the Lord's servant...May it be to me as you have said." Luke 1.38

These songs have been on mind as well:

Here with us by Joy Williams

It's still a mystery to me
That the hands of God could be so small,
How tiny fingers reaching in the night
Were the very hands that measured the sky

Chorus
Hallelujah, hallelujah
Heaven's love reaching down to save the world
Hallelujah, hallelujah
Son of God, Servant King,
You're here with us
You're here with us

Verse 2
It's still a mystery to me, oh,
How His infant eyes have seen the dawn of time
How His ears have heard an angel's symphony,
But still Mary had to rock her Savior to sleep

Chorus
Hallelujah, hallelujah
Heaven's love reaching down to save the world
Hallelujah, hallelujah
Son of God, Servant King
Here with us
You're here with us
(Ohh, mmm, here with us)


Jesus the Christ, born in Bethlehem
A baby born to save, to save the souls of man

and Breath of Heaven (Mary's Song) by Amy Grant & Chris Eaton

I have traveled many moonless nights,
Cold and weary with a babe inside,
And I wonder what I've done.
Holy father you have come,
And chosen me now to carry your son.

I am waiting in a silent prayer.
I am frightened by the load I bear.
In a world as cold as stone,
Must I walk this path alone?
Be with me now.
Be with me now.

Breath of heaven,
Hold me together,
Be forever near me,
Breath of heaven.
Breath of heaven,
Lighten my darkness,
Pour over me your holiness,
For you are holy.
Breath of heaven.

Do you wonder as you watch my face,
If a wiser one should have had my place,
But I offer all I am
For the mercy of your plan.
Help me be strong.
Help me be.
Help me.

Breath of heaven,
Hold me together,
Be forever near me,
Breath of heaven.
Breath of heaven,
Lighten my darkness,
Pour over me your holiness,
For you are holy.

Breath of heaven,
Hold me together,
Be forever near me,
Breath of heaven.
Breath of heaven,
Lighten my darkness,
Pour over me your holiness,
For you are holy.
Breath of heaven.
Breath of heaven.
Breath of heaven

Knoxville Anew

I'm traveling home to the Knoxville, TN area this weekend for the first time in six months, and I tell you, I'm actually quite elated.  Looking forward to spending time with my Mom and old buds, celebrating my dear friend's birthday and exploring this city again.   Growing up near Knoxville (in Strawberry Plains), I didn't absorb much of the city, mostly keeping to my home, school, church and the in-between places.  I'm excited about going home and opening my eyes to see what this city has to offer.   What did I miss? What's new? 

Exciting historical tidbit:

Knoxville used to be known as the  "Underwear Capital of the World" in the 1930s because of the unusual number of textile factories located in the city.  Heck yes.

Also, it was named by Forbes Magazine one of the top 10 metropolitan hot spots in the US in April of 2008.

It's also been rated 17th among the "20 Most Rock & Roll towns in the U.S" by Blender in May 2003.

:) 

This City: Washington, DC

A year from now I want to have gone so deep that it hurts to shift and transition into years beyond college.  My desire is to follow Jesus, and in this heart also is a little girl's request to stay here, to keep growing up and growing ever entangled in a beautiful, imperfect community.  Here, this city.  Something happened here, and I endeavor never to forget it, but instead to live my life ever in the context of the mysterious, beautiful work that God has wrought in my once icy, isolated heart.   Deuteronomy 4:9 informs me that this would be wise :).

This city.

This city.

This city.

I love being here so deeply.  Jeremiah 29:7 reports "seek the peace and prosperity of the city to which I have carried you."  

The Fray's "It's For You" offers an echo of how much I want to lay down my life for Him in this city for now, and wherever forever.  

when the winds come and they blow

when the rains turn to sleet and snow

when the waters rage at the sea

bitter cold but you warm me

it’s for you I walk through a storm

it’s for you I lay me down

there is nothing that I wouldn’t do for you

when you call I’ll be right there

i’ll turn my world right around for you

don’t you see, don’t you see I’m here

only for you I walk through a storm

only for you I lay me down

 http://www.imeem.com/people/jqjlM7G/music/Oj6KCa4U/the-fray-its-for-you/

Tonight is fiery inside me, as I have a few more minutes, as long as He'll give me to influence this city for Him.  

This piece from Comment's March 2009, 25-29, issue offers words for the passion:

"'Common grace' is a love note slipped under the door of an unexpecting world.  Its beauty, serendipity and profligate generosity bear witness to God's deepest character and affirm His loving heart toward all He has made (Psalm 8, 19, 145).  In doing so, common grace constructs signposts pointing even the most prodigal homeward (Acts 14:15, Acts 17:23).  To labour in the public square for the public good is to join God in this work, true children of the One who ' causes his sun to rise on the evil and the good.' (Mt. 5:45)" 

...Whether against traffic violations or human trafficking, we labour to bring goodness to others. 

...Our role is to pray and act that God's justice and mercy will be reflected, however feebly, within our realm of influence.  this is the Kingdom of God breaking forth- already, and not yet.  The completion of the work is in God's hands.  Our responsibility is simply this: to advance the causes we have been given in ways that consistently reflect the goodness, justice and mercy of God.  This is success, whatever else transpires..."

...If we are to exercise influence wisely, we must tenaciously grip enduring principles, while contunially refining their particular application...

Influencing wisely means holding on to enduring principles, while always applying them with sensitivity."

I want to leverage everything I have to bring His truth to the people I get to touch and walk with in this city.  

Adding to my faith

In college, the activists taught me that to think correctly is not enough. And, honestly, to think correctly but not live actively working to correct what is unwell in the world, I wonder if that is really thinking correctly at all. Faith in Jesus has informed me on how things truly are: that people are loved and valued and known by Him, perfectly; that what is unwell with the world and with us is explained by our sin; that He lived life perfectly then gave it away in exchange for us; and that believing in Him unlocks us from the power of sin and brings us closer to Him and to being with Him in Heaven forever.

So, this is my life. And I have to live like I'm free.

I'm in the ancient words of the Apostle Peter in 2 Peter 1:5-9 today after a friend, Eleiah, brought them up last night in our community:

"For this very reason, make every effort to add to your faith goodness and to goodness, knowledge and to knowledge, self-control; and to self-control, perseverance; and to perseverance, godliness; and to godliness, brotherly kindness and to brotherly kindness, love. For if you possess these qualities in increasing measure, they will keep you from being ineffective and unproductive in your knowledge of our Lord Jesus Christ. But if anyone does not have them, he is nearsighted and blind, and has forgotten that he has been cleansed from his past sins."

Adding to my faith, adding to my faith.

There must be integrity between who we say we are and how we live.